Yesterday morning while I was getting ready for my last day at the mega success event in L.A.
A situation presented itself to me that completely caught me by surprise, and I experienced feeling so defeated.
Now before I share.
I am not seeking praise or pity in any way.
To be honest I actually pondered on sharing this.
But as always. I received a gentle nudge, to absolutely share my story and trust there will be many of you, (men and women) who will relate and gain great value.
Yesterday I had a realisation, that as much as I teach and preach about self love. Learning To practise self love is such a personal relationship with good and bad days and I myself am still not yet, fully embodying the essence and magic of my own body.
And the truth is that after competing in my first ever fitness bikini competition earlier this year. (Which I don’t regret at all.) I do feel like i have struggled to find true self acceptance in my body more than ever before.
You see body image for me has always consumed my daily thoughts and energy.
I can remember as far back as age 9. I used to compare myself to my best friends at school. and I started to create beliefs in my mind that I was too fat. Had too much curve. looked too heavy. Was too short. Blah blah blah.
You see it’s like this.
As a child I had absolutely no problem with my
self- confidence. I was always happy to kick ass in sports. Or if a group project was happening. Step up to take the lead.
But when it came to my self-esteem.
The times I would look in the mirror or try on clothes.
I used to speak to myself with so much negativity, so much self loathing and so much judgment.
And that has never really healed.
It is super exhausting and of course super destructive.
After the past 5 years where I have truly stepped into my vision of becoming the best and truest version of Marissa.
Yes I have peeled a lot of layers back.
Yes I have expanded my truth and understanding.
Yes have created new beliefs.
Yes I have committed to be more accepting of self and love all of my imperfections.
And What I am now aware of, is that Self-confidence and Self-esteem are completely different things.
But yesterday I was triggered.
After spending the week travelling & enjoying food.
After making small changes like adding almond milk to my coffee every day.
After eating toast with my eggs.
After just relaxing on my food.
Clearly my body responded and changed.
I looked in the mirror and it was like I was sent back in time to 5years ago when I hated my body.
I found myself standing there pulling at my tummy. I caught a glimpse of my back legs and saw blemishes on my. BAck.
I started judging all the parts I felt weren’t good enough.
And I was so consumed with these feelings that I just burst into tears.
I didn’t just sob, I balled like freaken baby.
I experiened so much frustration, because I was so aware what I was doing. Yet I could not stop the heavy judgement I placed on myself for not yet fully embodying my self and my body the way she is.
Friends. See here’s the thing. I was not comparing myself to anyone else. I was comparing my body to a body i Believed was more perfect than what I saw. and that is what threw me most.
As a influencer, mother, daughter, friend, coach. This was a hard pill for me to swallow because I guess I felt that I was in more control of my thoughts and feeling around this topic.
But here’s the beautiful thing in all of this.
It is so powerful when we choose to be fiercely honest with ourselves and others.
I mean personally, when I think of what ‘having high self esteem, these words come up:
What does it mean for you?????
I admit i am still learning every day, how important it is to choose a belief to embrace and love my body.
Because it doesn’t matter what other people see. It matters what you see.
So how do you learn to love your body no matter the size or shape??
1. Start talking to yourself like you would a child or your best friend. Be kind.
2. Thank your body for all that it does for you. Reflect on what you actually fuel it with and ask yourself are you really making conscious choices.
3. You have to start. You have to practice. You have to do it everyday.It’s like building muscle or improving your fitness level. It will take some effort. But, eventually, you’ll be in maintenance model
Thanks for listening ❤️❤️❤️
Love Marissa x